Varla

Dear Varla:

I am a woman and married to a woman. We are also pansexual and polyamorous. What are some ways to slyly seduce my wife? I want that intimacy with her, but she wants me to come on to her better.

Thank You 

Sincerely, J

Dear Juicy J, 

This reminds me of when my lover Marla and I started going together. It was passionate at first but then we quickly fell into the void of Lesbian Bed Death (LBD). We went to a Sexy Time Therapist (STT) who taught us about the love languages. There are five. Marla didn’t know which one was hers, so I tried to woo her with each one of them.

• Acts of service: I cleaned Marla’s feet. 

• Quality time: We went open-toe shoe shopping together.

• Physical touch: We watched TV while I rubbed her feet and then sucked on her toes a little. 

• Words of Affirmation: I told her how nice her pedicure looked. 

• Receiving gifts: I bought Marla a Ped Egg and a new pair of sexy sling-back strappy sandles. 

It turned out that her love language was receiving gifts, that greedy little sensual tart!

We then opened up about our fantasies. I cautiously admitted to her that I have an unusual passion for, you guessed it, taxidermy dildos. You have to be open-minded when it comes to this fantasy stuff because your lover might be into some strange things that you might not find to be as sexy as they do. As long as it is consensual and doesn’t physically or emotionally harm anyone, make you feel unsafe, or have the potential to get you arrested, try to support their desires and keep an open mind. Whatever dills her pickle! 

Here are some ideas:

• Host a sexy masquerade party at your house where she is the center of everyone’s attention. 

• Be practicing nude gymnastics when she arrives home from work. 

• Do some sexy-time things to her while she tries to focus her attention on something else, like playing video games or reading a book. 

• Text her, while she is on her way home, with some instructions for foreplay, while you hide in a sexy-time costume in the house. If she does what you ask her to, ask to join in …

• Jump out of a birthday cake decorated to celebrate something other than a birthday (i.e., a Groundhogs Day cake)

• Take sexy dance lessons from I.C. Kings star Wiley Guyote. He offers them for 50 cents an hour in his basement on Sunday mornings.

Above all, work on your own confidence. You have to love yourself first before you can wholeheartedly be there for someone else. 

When what to do, no one knows, don’t be shy, lick the toes. 

Love, Varla

“I am not an expert. Just a kinky ol’ polyamorous, pansexual, lesbian entrepreneur who’s been around the block and is more experienced in the art of makin’ whoopi and wooing potential lovers than most. No question is too weird or kinky for this ol’ gal!”   Email your questions for Varla to  VarlasTampons@gmail.com. (Varla hosts the IC Kings every month and is also a health care provider, athlete, wife, and community organizer in real life. She prefers to remain anonymous.)