What exactly is the gay agenda, and should I be frightened?
— Worried Straight Gal in Des Moines
Dear Worried Straight,
Oh boy, am I tired of answering this one! What a stupid … er, silly … question! We Queer Folk are a community, but that community is made up of individuals, with their own brains and such. I promise, Gay Scouts Honor!
We all want different things, and truly, the only thing we can ALL agree on is that we all want equality. Not just for us, but for the BIPOC community as well. Not more rights, not rights for some, equal rights for all. That’s the only “gay agenda” there is.
Now, for MY real agenda: I want a pet rainbow unicorn that I can ride around and braid its mane and tail. I’ll call her Stella. She can live in my front yard and stop kids from walking on my lawn. She’ll be a stabby McStabberson when I’m really in a mood. Us old crones need a bit of stabby once in a while. Not ouchy-bleedy stabbing, of course. I’m not a monster!
In fact, I’ll have Stella wear a rubber on her horn. Because you know the saying, “No glove, no love.” Just enough poking so that us crotchety, cranky old dykes can watch the younger generation run and scream. Plus, it keeps them off my lawn. Darn kids anyway.
Oh, my wife’s agenda includes cotton candy, puppies, kitties, and rainbows for all. She’s much nicer than I am because she is not old enough to be an angry queer chick. She’ll get there. Now, get off my lawn!
Can gay men be friends with lesbians? Can we even ask you questions since we’re not lesbians? Are you going to be mad at me now? Should I call a lawyer?
— Inquiring Gay Guy in Iowa Falls
Dear Inquiring Gay,
You youngsters sure do ask some stupid … er, silly … questions. Of course gay men can be friends with lesbians. We’re not monsters — at least not most of us! Though I’m all angry and mean, most of us just ride Harleys and wear leather and chains. We’re teddy bears (not to be confused with Bears, but I suspect you know about those).
Yes, any gender or identity can ask me anything they want to, because as a member of the Queer community, my knowledge is extensive. I also have many gay men, trans people, and enbies as friends that I can consult with — proof that we all CAN get along. And while I’m too prickly to have “friends,” I borrow my wife’s sometimes. ANYONE can ask my advice, as long as they stay off of my lawn.
And no, you’re not “in trouble” for asking this question. We don’t need no stinking lawyers;. they’re just sharks preying on the weak. You are, however, in trouble for standing on my lawn. So get off!
Got a question for the Angry Old Queer Chick? Real questions, rhetorical questions, and hypothetical questions are ALL welcome. Email Cat Sinclair at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Author Cat Sinclair is a resident of Iowa Falls. Her AOQC (Angry Old Queer Chick) is a new monthly column that takes an honest, yet self-deprecating, view of today’s issues through a seasoned lesbian lens.