Help me Varla!

I have a crush and I don’t know if she is queer or non-monogamous. 

Apprehensively, 

Hot to trot

Dear Hot to Trot, 

Sounds like you have been consumed by desire. The basis of any great relationship, or even hook-up, is friendship and communication. So start there!

Invite her to queer things, like the IC Kings Shows starring yours truly, Me (shameless plug, last Thursday of every month at Studio 13, 9:30 p.m.)

You could meet up at the Farmers Market or go clothes shopping at Menards,.

But take the time to get to know her. And if you take her to some queer events, if she is queer, she is bound to run into one of her exes. I know I always do! Whenever Marla and I go to the Farmer’s Market, we bump into my ex-lover Darla. And when we go to stores for hot sales, we always see Carla Schumaker Guyote. 

Now, this is important: if and when you are comfortable with it, tell her YOUR coming out story! Any of them.

This will do a couple things. It will let her know that you are queer, if she didn’t already. And it opens the door for her to tell her coming out story if she has one. This might tell you a lot, or at least leave room for you to ask some clarifying questions. 

When you are hanging out with her, ask her about the weirdest date she has ever been on. I will tell you mine. On our first date, Marla took me to an oral foot massage parlor. 

Then, when the time is right, use one of my patented pick up lines. Here are a few to choose from:

• “Les-bi-honest… you were checking me out, weren’t you?” (If you are lezzies)

• “They call me coffee because I grind so fine, I will keep you up past 2 a.m.” (If you are any identity.)

• “Join me in my bed. So we can build a pillow fort!” (If you are Ace.)

Remember, romantic vulnerability often comes with rejection. So be prepared with how you will handle that. If you don’t put yourself out there, you will never know if your feelings are reciprocated. And love is a hell of a good time. 

Be sure to keep us updated on how it goes, Hot to Trot!!!

Lustfully listening, 

Varla